The nature of the first step in Coda is to ‘admit we are powerless over people’. This means people who are coda are people who believe they can change others. They feel like they can control and manipulate others to be how they want them to be. They believe they are self serving to others and they see themselves in the reflection of the other. They behave in ways to affect how the other thinks about them instead of just being who they are and seeing what happens.
I.e. If ‘x’ is doing badly I am a failure. If ‘x’ is happy I am good.
It is believing they are in control of the way others see things, behave and live their lives. They can’t just be themselves and see what happens because they don’t know who they are. They haven’t been able to separate from dependent relationships or jump from dependency to dependency. They haven’t been nurtured to find themselves or feel it’s ok to exist just for themselves and be who they are.
A codependent relationship is when the individual relies upon the relationship and the other to give them a sense of self. Because without the other person they are nothing, unhappy, worthless or when the relationship is going badly they feel broken.
To heal codependency you must look inwards, know who you are without looking into others for a reflection of yourself and allow people to flow in their own way without affecting you. We can do this by nursing the soul and learning who we are through time with ourselves in therapy, nature and meditation. Going inwards can be very scary for a codependent. Finding a therapist who understand codependency is important for this process.