The concept is that when you’re young, if you parents were emotionally neglectful or abusive — they’re sometimes the same thing, whatever the case — if your parents, you know, did not have the emotional capacity to take care of you properly and they had their own agendas or their own problems, yet they were presenting themselves as good parents — “I love you, I care about you, I’m worried about you”… whatever — the underlying emotional reality of who they were was detached or jealous or whatever their personal trip is, you’re going to absorb that as a child. So, as a child, you need to believe your parents are good, because they’re your parents. So, that’s in place. They’re good. But the emotional cues in place don’t match that. So, you feel awkward and shitty and self-hating, or uncomfortable, or whatever those feelings are. And the only thing you can do at that young age, because your parents are good, is blame yourself. So, what happens is as you get older, the way you self-parent is by maintaining those negative thoughts about yourself because that’s where you live. And that is actually honoring what your parents really might have felt about you. And you get into relationships that are based on this fantasy and you never get out of that loop. It disables you from being able to be intimate because if you were actually to get intimate or get close to somebody, it would threaten your entire structure of self.
Marc Maron, WTF episode 564 with Melanie Lynskey. Discussing the book The Fantasy Bond”, which is about the structure of human defenses. (via anxietymonologues)