We hold onto the pain because it’s all we have left but we don’t have to. It’s a choice.

Do not chase another human being. Instead, chase your curiosity. Chase your development and your goals. Chase your passion. Strive to work for something bigger than yourself, and instead of trying to convince someone that you fit within their world–build your own.

I could see what you were addicted to but not what you were running away from.

Relationships play a key role in eating disorders. Known as Attachment Theory, emotional support, empathy and acceptance a child receives enables self-worth throughout life. Without healthy attachments, self-esteem is diminished; food is a replacement for relationships an individual craves. Causes of EDs are complex and are unique as is the individual who develops one. Understanding psychological & relational aspects is important in choosing treatment and in establishing an infrastructure for long-term recovery.

It is wonderful for the therapist to listen to clients reporting on new activities that are solely for the sake of pleasure without any compensatory eating disorder behavior (in order to undo or punish the self for indulging.)

How can a person with an eating disorder who has major trust issues, body image distortion, demands perfection from herself, coupled with a desire to please and accommodate others at the expense of herself be in a situation which necessitates letting go – risking being out of control?  Not easy.

Having a relationship with food makes it difficult to have full relationships with others, thus eliminating the risk of another betrayal. Depending on the individual’s internal survival tools, being extremely large or thin, or even perceiving one’s self as too large or too thin, is a way of keeping potential abusers at a distance. Finally, the painful and violent act of vomiting is a way of expressing and releasing rage and self-loathing.

Getting in your car late at night to find a way to satisfy your urges. Planning how you will use behaviors after you leave a social function. Not being able to focus on the person in front of you because your urges are so high. Feeling incredibly guilty for doing something so ‘gross’.

Hiding the evidence of your behaviors. Promising you will never do it again.

Those who struggle with bulimia and binge-eating know these experiences first-hand, and so do people who struggle with sexual addiction. Sometimes these difficult struggles can go hand-in-hand, and both can follow a similar pattern of thoughts and behaviors.

Rituals are the ‘preparation’ stage of using behaviors. This may involve driving to a grocery store for the binger or beginning to surf the web for the sexual addict.

It can also involve beginning the day in a certain way, picking a fight with a spouse or wearing certain clothes. Rituals serve to enhance the anticipated behavior as well as induce a kind of trance or feeling of being on auto-pilot.

The actual use of the behavior can last only minutes or extend through an entire day. Either way, the ultimate goal is the same—to experience the relief from pain, anxiety and ultimately the feeling of shame.

One one-hand the behaviors are the high-point of the experience and on the other hand they ‘break the spell” of the trance which began with the rituals. What follows can feel devastating.

“I’ll never change” | “I’m disgusting” | “I can’t believe I did that”

These are all common thoughts which quickly rush into the brain following the use of behavior. The feeling of hopelessness is closely accompanied by more feeling of shame.

This can sometimes immediately lead to another cycle of rituals and behaviors but often results in moving on to the next stage of the cycle.

This stage is characterized by the all-too-familiar statement, “I’ll never do that again” and can produce it’s own sort of ‘high’ and desire to ‘get clean.’ In fact, it, like the bulimia, binge-eating, or sexually compulsive behaviors, it may be another way of running from the feelings of shame, and it is just as ineffective.

This resolve fails to effectively deliver someone from this vicious cycle for two reasons:

First, is that it only attempts to deal with the behavior, not the experience of being wounded which created the distorted thinking in the first place. In fact, it reinforces the thinking and feeling of being flawed. Secondly, it does little to rewire the neuropathways in the brain which are so strongly associated with the habitual behaviors.

Be aware, but don’t be afraid.